Catchment Area

 

Early bar, 6pm until 8.30pm, you'll find folk from all over North Derbyshire, North Notts and Sheffield, all using the Speedwell as their local. Regulars from the surrounding area tend to drift in after 8.30pm and mixed in amongst all this are customers who have found us in either the Good Beer guide, Good Pub guide or a Gay Contact mag.

Groups

 

The only two groups of people that are really discouraged from coming into the Speedwell are lardheads and lying politicians. Sure, we do get the occasional lardheads in but they soon sense it's not their scene and once they find that there's no draught lager, they're soon gone. Politicians are a little harder to get rid of, you have to physically scrape them from the sole of your shoe.

Women

 

Several women come into the Speedwell alone because the atmosphere is free from intimidation, probably because most of the men are impotent.

Law Enforcement

 

In the 15 years since Townes Brewery re-opened the Speedwell the Police have only visited once and that was when the Landlord was arrested for dancing naked at the Glastonbury Music Festival.

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Our Pub... Customers

 

 

It's customers that make a pub and the Speedwell is no exception. The banter at the bar is a cross between the Houses of Parliament, the Bunny Club and a lunatic asylum.

 

 

 

Diversity of Regulars

 

You'll have to go a long way to find a pub with such a diverse bunch of customers, from van drivers to vicars, from doctors to dancers, from pensioners to prostitutes and from coppers to chemists. A real Melting Pot. The one common denominator... no, not real ale because a few prefer the Belgium beers we stock... they're all decent folk.

 

 

 

Hall Of Fame

 

Here you'll find profiles on some of the characters that frequent the Speedwell.

 

 

NAME

AKA

JOB

Tony Wallis

Griprod

Carpet Fitter

 

 

 

He once read the autobiography of Britain's hangman, Albert Pierpoint, and at the back was an application form to become a hangman... he filled it in and sent it off. To this day he's convinced he's the best man for the job.

 

 

]

NAME

AKA

JOB

Tracy Rawlinson

Trace

Civil Servant come Socialworker

 

 

 

Vegetarian whose favourite food is pork sausage and she often hides pieces of beef in her overcoat pockets. She's so PC that she's trying to persuade her partner, Rupert, to let her have a lesbian affair, just to increase her chances of promotion at work.

 

 

NAME

AKA

JOB

Rupert

Rupe

Lorry Driver

 

 

 

Long suffering partner of Tracy. Rupert is a real hero amongst the men of the Speedwell but you have to become a regular to find out why.

 

 

NAME

AKA

JOB

Tony Mettam

Bingo Tony

Retired Bingo Hall Consultant

 

 

 

Often found in the Daft Corner, early bar. This man is the UK's leading expert on pornography.

 

 

NAME

AKA

JOB

Dave Hall

Dyson Dave

Retired Post Office Official

 

 

 

Nicknamed Dyson Dave because he cleans up any leftover food on the bar. He famously once said... "Life's too short to drink anything less than 4.5%." Often galavanting abroad, he never shaves until he returns. Here he is at the end of a two week stay in Benidorm... Click Here.

 

 

NAME

AKA

JOB

Norman Bailey

Nasty McNasty or Ginner

Roofer

 

 

 

He once caused a mini riot in Chesterfields Queens Park when he attended a feminist movement rally carrying a placard that had on it, "Iron my shirt, bitch"... Click Here. He's one of the few men with ginger hair that has got more than one friend.

 

 

NAME

AKA

JOB

Linda Bailey

Mrs McNasty

Cooking for Our Norman

 

 

 

Long suffering partner of McNasty. She comes in the Speedwell just once a year, to prove that Norman hasn't murdered her.

 

 

NAME

AKA

JOB

Mick Davidson

Mercedes Mick or Shrek 1

Car Machanic

 

 

 

Whilst in Italy last year, he bought a full leg of Parma ham. Dragged it all the way home and proudly presented it on the Speedwell bar, his head wobbling side to side in gleeful satisfaction. When carved, it revealed a ¼" sliver of ham surrounded by 8" of fat. It was reported on Italian TV that some English halfwit had bought the Fiatissimo (the ham that could not be sold). He's now famous in Italy as the male equivalent of Susan Boyle.

 

 

NAME

AKA

JOB

John Coughlan

Gypo John or Shrek 2

Lorry Parts Supplier

 

 

 

A gentle giant until pushed... he then starts crying. But don't push this pussy cat to far or he'll tell his wife and then you've got real problems. She's got the prettiest face that never stops smiling but don't be fooled. A formidable woman.

 

 

 

NAME

AKA

JOB

John & Janis Palethorpe

The Palthorpes

Retired Accountant & Teacher

 

 

 

He... smashing chap. She... gobby cow.

 

 

NAME

AKA

JOB

Grenville Bennett

Benji

Struck-off Gynocologist

 

 

 

A cross between Michael Winner and Albert Fritzel, if you finish up talking to this character you're scraping the bottom of the barrel... Click Here. He's been diagnosed with having a gall stone, he calls it Colin, claims it talks and he blames it for the occasional obscenity he utters.

 

 

NAME

AKA

JOB

Mick Whalley

Wally

Ladies Underwear Salesman

 

 

 

Always calls in when he's passing on his way home to Buxton and all the other regulars wish he didn't. Originally a local man he now lives in another world... Wally World.

 

 

NAME

AKA

JOB

Alan Cherry

Chez

MOT Centre Proprietor

 

 

 

Ex-captain of Walton Golf Club one of a few golf tossers that's allowed in the pub, only because he shares the pork pies he brings in most Thursdays. Appeared as an extra in the 60's film about Mods, Quadrophenia, and claims to have had an affair with Roger Daltrey.

 

 

NAME

AKA

JOB

Steve Burgin

Burgin

Pub Bore

 

 

 

One of the few regulars who isn't here for the beer, well not real ale. He gets a prescription for 6 Duvels per day. Duvel is an 8.5% Belgium beer and the landlord gets it cheap via the NHS. This halfwit was once introduced to Richard Hawley (of Pulp fame) at a Sheffield garden party. When told... "This is Richard Hawley, you must know of Richard." Burgin assumed him to be the owner of Hawley's Tyres, a well established local family business. Well you can imagine the conversation. 5 minutes later a confused Richard Hawley walked away scratching his head and spent the rest of the afternoon avoiding Burgin... as do most of the Speedwell regulars.

 

 

NAME

AKA

JOB

Mark Ormsby

Mark

Lorry Driver

 

 

 

Bit of a romancer this chap. Reckons he owns NFT the huge transport business just off junction 28 of the M1, yet he's a member of the Caravan Club. Sure, he's got a flash motor and a flash bird from Bolsover but both have got lots of mileage. Here's the buffoon filling up before going camping... Click Here!.

 

 

NAME

AKA

JOB

Andy Hewitt

Tranny Andy

Foundryman

 

 

 

Often found sat in the window chuntering to himself. He's never been in the Speedwell wearing womens clothes... yet, but rumour has it he's ready to.

 

 

NAME

AKA

JOB

Steve Clarke

Slobber Gob

Professional Boozer

 

 

 

He looks more like Jim Royle than Ricky Tomlinson does. Spent a number of years contracting in Russia were he broke the world record for going with Russian women. Maintains the best lay he ever had was a Siberian toilet attendant, that was until he met his current wife, Francis... who said romance is dead.

 

 

NAME

AKA

JOB

Francis Clarke

Mrs Slobber Gob

Female Professional Boozer

 

 

 

Landlady of the Barrow Hill Hotel in the late 80's, early 90's. Now married to Steve and apart from that she's quite normal until she starts dancing. It's a cross between an orgasm and an epileptic fit. For the nearest to it... Click Here

 

 

NAME

AKA

JOB

Roy Shorrock

Roy the Boy

Brewer

 

 

 

Head brewer from Ashover Brewery calls in weekly to try and pick Curly's brains on brewing. Curly tries to pick his brains on pulling birds. After tab hanging them one night, Burgin went to a singles night in Sheffield and pulled a 65 year old retired bank manageress who had an incurable yeast infection about her unmentionable.

 

 

NAME

AKA

JOB

Mervin Allcock

Merv

Railwayman

 

 

 

Merv started life as Marilyn but from an early age she was different. All she wanted to do when she grew up was work on the railway but back in the 70's it was a mans world and only a man could be a railwayman. So aged 16 she went through a series of operations to become a man, finalised with the implanting of a brain. Merv quickly rose through the ranks and now manages the last remaining working turn-table in the UK... Barrow Hill Roundhouse. This top man also organises the excellent RailAle Beer Festival at the sheds every March.

 

 

NAME

AKA

JOB

John Rutherford

Moses

Stadium & Airport Manager

 

 

 

This character is Sheffield Wednesday FC stadium manager so he only works for 2 hours every other Saturday. The rest of the time he runs Robin Hood Airport near Doncater but for tax avoidance reasons he uses the name Moses. He disguises himself a little but you can tell it's him by the way he runs. To see him in action at the airport... Click Here

 

 

NAME

AKA

JOB

John Hornsby

Steve Downes

Policeman & Security Consultant

 

 

 

Another Sheffield Wednesday FC employee but this one is a bent copper. He's with the sniffer dogs at Robin Hood Airport but was doing football duty at Hillsborough when he spotted Moses (just above) moonlighting as the stadium manager. He then blackmailed Moses into hiring him as the Owls security consultant. When he's John he even puts on a cockney accent and pretends to be a West Ham fan. He once gave an interview to BBC Panarama at the airport... Click Here

 

 

NAME

AKA

JOB

Clarence Woodard

Woody

Trucker & Moonshine Runner

 

 

 

Woody and his wife Peggy (below) are the first foreign Followers of Speedwellinn.com and live in Puckett, Mississippi, USA. He was so impressed with the beer he and Peggy came all the way back 2 years later to learn all about Garage Beer. He now brews what he calls Trailer Ale and ships it all over several counties... without license of course. When he married Peggy it was the first time Mendelssohn's Wedding March was heard being played on a banjo...

audio

 

 

NAME

AKA

JOB

Peggy Sue Evelyn Woodard

Peggy

Grandma

 

 

 

Wife of Woody (above, best read first), both she and Woody uploaded profile photos that were taken years ago. Here's how they really look now...Click Here. She can be a right

saucy bitch can Peggy. I asked her one night, in the Speedwell, how many kids she and Woody had? She said, "Les see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're thirty-two. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're twenty-six. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're twenty-four."
"Hold on,!" I said... "Did you get twins EVERY time?"

Peggy answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin." Her first boyfriend, Buddy, wrote a song about her. Every morning she runs to their local Dollar General store to buy Woody fresh hops for his Trailer Ale... CLICK HERE

 

 

 

 

More to come... Leather Alan, Simon, Train lads, Mitchel Brothers, Ali & Keith, Greg & Steve, Barry Chell, Phil Rawbottom, Dan the Man Duce, Wendy & Stella, Diesel Dave, Daft Ken, Dave (Lorry driver), Yan & wife, Bennett Bros, Big Dave, Gilliver, Tim & Ang.

 

please call back

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