e've had to slip this GAPPER eXtra in halfway through the month because it's the Rail Ale beer festival at the Barrow Hill Roundhouse new later today and believe it or not the quiz has been won, with someone 24 pints better off. But before that, a highjacking by the buffoons from CAMRA new, some local news and trivia and an update on the Simple Simon saga.




Chesterfield Branch of CAMRA new cornered the MysteryBarfly in the Speedwell a few weekends ago. Reminiscent of a Victorian Freak Show, they flaunted the Speedwell rules by being mob handed and insisted on checking the clarity of their ale. MysteryBarfly was just about to buy them all a drink when one off them spotted the notice... LICKING THE WINDOWS IS PROHIBITED... and they all left.


Quickly moving on...




The Rail Ale beer festival at the Barrow Hill Roundhouse starts at 1200hrs today and it's

certain to be a great weekend. Mick “WallyWorld” Whalley is flying in from Buxton. He's here (left) with Benj at last years do, trying to look like Roy Hodgson being kissed by Mohamed Al-Fayed.


Chez Cherry will be also there. He went to see his very vivacious GP last week with a very slight but itchy rash on his testicles, probably from the thinners he uses at his car body shop new. She said to him “You are going to have to stop masturbating Mr Cherry.”

“Why?”... he replied.

“Because I'm trying to examine you”... said the GP.


Burgin's hoping the little Thai beauty he pulled last year will be there. She would only let him kiss her but he reckoned she was a cracking kisser. Some of you will recall her but if you can't Click here. Most of the Speedwell Old Boys have been to Andrea's Hairdressers for their ears and nose hairs to be trimmed and the Sack & Crack wax treatment so they'll look tip top when naked. The Albert Old Boys are going on Friday night because every Saturday afternoon they're usually busy pegging the family washing out.


Curly's brewed a cracker from the past... Muffin and it could be the festival winner.


On the way to the festival a great little trip would be a visit to the Beer Parlour new on Whittington Moor, that's got Brampton Stout new 4.5%, Amber Imperial IPA new 6.5%, Raw Blonde new 3.9% and Durham's On The Hop new 4.3%, all on hand pull. You'll then need to pop into the Derby Tup to use the toilet and try a swift Timophy Taylor's Landlord new 4.3%. It's called taking the piss.


If you're not into festivals then the Dusty Miller new at Barlborough has a cask condition cracker from the Moorhouses Brewery new, for this weekend called Black Cat 3.4% with some great live music to boot.



Moving on...




Taffy the Faffy has been up all this week, she's Leather Alan's bird from Swansea. He was livid when Swansea thrashed the Blades 4-0 so he stopped all her chocolate ration. She's hung about all week wanting just one bit of chocolate. She asked him to get her some Seven One Zero for her clapped out old motor but he didn't have a clue what she was talking about so he made her go out to the car and show him. Click here to see what she showed him...


She was also complaining that it was intermittently missing, so he whipped her up to see Mercedes Mick at Damas . After 15 minutes he explained to her... whilst she was texting... “It's fine now, just shit in yer carburettor.” She replied... “OK, fine, how often do I do that?”



Tiptoes quickly away...





The MysteryBarfly has learned that Simon's pecker hasn't fallen off yet (see April GAPPER) but he's starting to have a few problems. He's been to see the Speedwell resident Urologist, Dr Greg Conner, because his pecker has lost the ability to become erect. Well, 90% of the Speedwell Old Boys don't see that as a problem but Simon's on borrowed time and Dr Conner was able to offer a solution that's at the cutting edge of medical science. He grafted 4 tiny muscles that were taken from the trunk of an Elephant, into the base of Simon's penis. For the benefit of Tracy and any other PC plonkers, the Elephant wasn't harmed in any way.


So, last Tuesday night he decided to try it out and he invited a young lady from Harley's Bar over to his place for a meal and a bit of fun. During the meal his pecker began to react and he had to adjust it. It then reacted some more and became very painful. After a few more moments it was so painful that he was forced to unzip himself. It amazingly shot up onto the table, wangled it's way into the centre, picked up a breadroll and retracted back into his trousers.


You can imagine, the young lady was utterly shocked but having pondered for a while, with one side of her mouth just ever so slightly curled up she inquired...

“Can you make it do that again?”

Simon replied...

“I think so but I don't think my arse will take another breadroll.”


10 years ago Simon used to be a lorry driver and often did runs into France. Only he could talk his way out of this one. Watch video...




Swiftly moving on...





Well, the monthly quiz was finally won. Biggest entry ever this quiz with answers ranging from the Thames River Police to Ancient Greece but not even close, Ancient Greece no longer exists and it didn't have policemen. Nor were the smart gits who wikipedia'd it close. Sure protective municipal leagues began to emerge in the 12th century to protect againstĀ banditsĀ and other rural criminals but they are long gone.


The answer was York Minster Constabulary new and it still exists today. It's first Chief Constable was appointed in 1285 and there are about 4 Constables still nicking today. So stick that in your pipe and smoke it.


Now, who won the 24 pints of bitter...


It was none other than Spitz Slobbergobovich from the Ukraine. He became a GAPPER Follower after his mother tried to make contact with his British father. He was Featured in the April GAPPER. If he ever finds his way over to Staveley he'll be able to share his 24 pints with his Dad and Step-Mum


Next Quiz will be in a fortnight.


Bye for now.


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Date - 13/May/2011


A monthly publication of humour and satire. Some articles are true and some are made up.



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