ell, here we are in our new slot, not the last Friday before the start of a new month but the first Friday in that month... so it's time for a GAPPER and be happy that you're alive and educated enough to read it. There are articles about journalists, local gossip, celebrities, another great quiz and a major announcement. Stop licking the window, smile and enjoy the month of July.





First, a serious complaint from Gapper Follower and real ale quaffer John Smith. He didn't like the slur in last month's Gapper that journalists are lazy buggers. The tenacious Smithy and his resolute partner Keith Smith (no relation) ran a ground-breaking news agency from an office, covertly positioned upstairs in the Chesterfield Market Hall. By using a network of seedy private investigators and state-of-the-art technology, they became known as the pioneers of Spy In The Sky journalism. MysteryBarfly recalls him back in 1977 when the Billy Hughes Pottery Cottage murders story broke. Listening to the police radio that evening, Smithy heard Sgt Bob Hassell report that he had found 4 bodies at Pottery Cottage on Eastmoor and a vehicle containing Billy Hughes and a woman hostage had fled the scene towards Baslow. He quickly realised that the biggest chase in British criminal history was on and guns were being issued. What happened next changed journalism forever.


Smithy set off in his Austin Allegro in exactly the opposite direction, towards Staveley. Strange... you may be thinking but the two hacks had planned for such an event meticulously. At the same time his partner, Keith, frantically sold the story to the Daily Mirror and persuaded Bob Edwards (the then editor) to hire him a small plane to follow the chase. “It will be waiting for him at Netherthorpe Airfield!” he was assured by Edwards.


As soon as Smithy got to the small, rural airfield, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his camera and yelled, “Let’s go! Let’s go!” The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. “Fly over the border into Staffordshire,” said Smithy, still with one ear plugged into his police monitor. He listened to reports that Hughes had crashed into a field just a few miles from them. “There are some police vehicles ahead, make three or four low level passes.” “Why?” asked the pilot. “Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a reporter, and reporters take pictures. Bloody hell they've shot him!” said Smithy with great exasperation.


After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you're not the instructor?”


Moving on...







Good Causes...


Last Saturday over 1000 determined women left Dronfield at midnight and walked a 13 mile round trip to the Ashgate Hospice and back, in a gallant attempt to raise money for the

hospice. The Speedwell Inn was represented by none other than Tracey who has been in training for the event for months. She joined the Healthy Living Centre at Staveley where she was banned from the treadmills because she made them stop. So she tried their very latest machine but that made her feel sick after 20 minutes, it did Mars Bars, Bountys, Snickers... she even changed her brand of cigarettes to Silk Cut Lights. She couldn't take to them at first, due to the necessity of inserting a rubber stopper up her bum to be able to get a drag. She got used to it in the end and now prefers them, she's on 20 fags and 5 rubber stoppers a day.


MysteryBarfly has learnt that Benji Bennett walked behind her and reached forward to hold up her magnificent specimens in an effort to prevent any injuries to other walkers. Sadly he had to give up after 4 miles, his arms couldn't take anymore but the night was saved when her partner, Rupert, stepped in and walked in front of her with them on his shoulders. He was the perfect height and proves yet again that love always finds a way.


You can still sponsor Tracey if you call in the Speedwell before the end of the weekend.


Moving on, with a limp...








The latest murderer to go to prison is Levi Bellfield who was given a whole life tariff at the Old Bailey last Friday and the media focused on the defence QC who proved yet again that most of them are capable of doing the lowest deed imaginable as long as they can hide behind "client instructions". The media are no better because most will print or broadcast whatever allegations they hear in open court and hide behind "public interest".


What has been missed amongst all the fury is that the judge ordered a line of questioning about the parent's private life to be heard in "open court" by refusing an application for it to be heard "in camera" or in private. Why? Examine that short hearing within a hearing and you'll find the answer... probably because they were not public figures who court publicity, they were not footballers or dangling a £55,000 fee. Sometimes allegation have to be put to witnesses, no matter how horrendous they may be, but in this case everyone knew it was never going to go anywhere. The defendant has got to have a right to ask the questions but the Judge let the witnesses down. Civil or criminal, it matters not, certain people need protection after it's over.


Remember the tosspot who dived into a council owned gravel pit and broke his neck, despite undisputed warning signs stating NO SWIMMING. Before leaving hospital a lawyer convinced that tosspot that he had a claim and legal aid must have concurred because it was granted. So the tosspot and his wheelchair are wheeled around several hearings which cost him about £150 in taxi fares and £180 in hotels. He finished up in the Court of Appeal with the Right Honourable Lord Thankuverymuch saying that this was a terrible example of the compensation culture of modern Britain. The tosspot got nothing, ending up £330 out of pocket and rightly so. The several judges, 2 QC's, 2 junior barristers and the solicitor who started the gravy train rolling all got their share of £1.28m of public money. Was that the terrible example that the judge was alluding too. Probably not.


So this month Gapper asks the question... If the legal elite have access to such a lucrative supply of public money, why are so many of them going into politics? It can't be because it's a bigger gravy train than law, can it?









Local gossip...


Word has it that Burgin, the pub crip, has taken a hyperinjunction out to stop Tranny Andy spreading malicious but true rumours about him. Burgin's been to see his old pal David Jones at Shipton Hallewell new one of the best legal minds in the country, and at the other end of the legal spectrum to the lawyers in the above rant. He doesn't do legal aid matters and he'll only represent you if you are really innocent or you're guilty and are pleading guilty. He has an abhorrence for whingers. His fees are reasonable and even better for Gapper Followers. He advised Burgin to take a hyperinjunction because unlike a superinjunction the hyper one covers Parliamentary Privilege, so that's better advice than Giggs got, and it gets better... if you have an IQ of less than 40 and are a cripple they are granted free of charge. It's not what you know but who you know, eh.


Gapper would love to inform you of those rumours but the law is the law.


MysteryBarfly can tell you is that Burgin was once hit by a rare paralysing condition that put him on the neurology ward at the Hallamshire Hospital and his weight went down to just over 9st in just a few weeks. It took 9 months to get him up into a wheelchair and fit enough to go home. His bitch at that time was Jacky and eventually she was collecting him to take him home. Whilst Burgin was being dressed by the nurses the Consultant said to Jacky, “Burgin's lucky to be still with us, he'll need constant help and attention. You'll have to do everything for him and I mean everything. It could take 3 or 4 years but if you don't he'll die in about 3 weeks.” As she pushed Burgin in his wheelchair to the lift lobby he asked her what the neurologist had been saying to her and she said, “He told me you've only got about 3 weeks to live”.


Moving on, steadily...







An old lady has been seen around Staveley recently looking for her long lost son. He was a biker around the Eckington area during the 70's and 80's and was called Robert Clarke and this is the last photo she has of him. He was an ugly mole back then.


Remind you of anyone?


If anyone knows of his current whereabouts please let Margot know and she'll contact the lady.




Moving on, tentatively...







Remember last month when the Gapper reported that things were not good with barmaid Ruth and her partner Steve, well the MysteryBarfly has learnt that it was all a huge misunderstanding and things are now back to lovey dovey.


It all started with a barmaid's night out and ended with Ruth sporting a black eye. Steve's extremely apologetic about it. So what caused this embarrassing situation?...


The 3 Speedwell barmaids were on a girlie night out, a few Thursdays ago and talk inevitably turned to sex. Margot mentioned that her Graham had been to the doctors because she had noticed, whilst fellating with him, that his testicles were cold. The doctor had told him it was nothing to worry about and was normal. Linda said that her Stuart's were cold also. Ruth was astonished by this as she thought fellatio was an Italian artist. She was astounded when it was explained to her, in graphic detail... like any good barmaid would. Margot and Linda agreed that it was a necessary duty if you didn't want your man to stray. This hit a chord with Ruth as she was worried about Steve working away in London and with women being attracted by his high-powered career, so she decided to bite the bullet, for the want of a better expression.


Well, you can imagine, Steve thought all his birthdays had come at once. He was even imagining getting Lobster Thermador for his dinner. Everything was fantastic (she'd even taken her teeth out, the girls had taught her well), until Ruth paused for a moment and said... “Your balls are warm, not like Graham's and Stuart's, theirs are cold”.


As reported, Steve has now apologised and has promised to take her to Canada for her sixty fifth birthday, later this year. Ruth has accepted that she could have worded it better, she's stopped wearing sunglasses and there's no permanent damage.



Tiptoes away, very quickly...











MysteryBarfly was enjoying a wonderful Banks handpulled beer in the Albert Inn last week when he was taken into the confidence of Pete Massey. Pete had been reading about Buffalo Billing on the Townes Brewery new website and claims that it's nothing compared to what happens with some of the Albert regulars. More to come...


Talking of Townes, Curly was at Glastonbury last week end. He's banned for life for Buffalo Billing in front of the main stage so this year he walked around the perimiter fence (photo left) and prefers to be on the fringe.


Any Belgium beer fans should get themselves into the Beer Parlour new on Whittington Moor and give the proprietor your shopping list. Gary's off to Brugges and Gent in a few weeks to do some sourcing.











Benji and Burgin struck gold at the Lyceum theatre a few weeks back, they were VIP guests of The Clear Agency new at a production of the Jungle Book. Backstage they pulled a couple of hot totties, the stunning Natasha Lewis, the TV, Stage and Screen actress (on the left in the below scene from Buddy), and Roshni Savjani, the Bollywood superstar who is reputed to be the most beautiful woman in the world.


They wined & dined them and bought them Dom PĂ©rignon at Nonas on Ecclesall Road. The two pervs were hoping that Natasha would re-enact her famous performance that brought the house down last year at the Drury Lane theatre when she played Alison in Chaucer's Canterbury Tales, more... It won her the prestigious award of Rear Of The Year in 2010.


But it was not to be... the owners of Nonas couldn't resist the publicity opportunity and it wasn't long before the paparazzi were all over them. One got this shot of Roshni before Benj nutted him and then Burgin tripped him to the floor with one of his crutches. The girls did a runner leaving the two pervs to foot the £625 bill, which is cheap for sticking a smackeroo on Natasha Lewis's arse but expensive if you don't. There's no fool like an old fool, as they say. Did you notice what was in Roshni's handbag? Clearly she had little confidence in her date... have a second look!


The girls did turn up at the Speedwell Inn the following week and chucked £20 each in for what they described as a great night. They then came to the beer festival at the Speedwell Rooms on the Saturday night and the evening was filmed to promote the new latino electrica type of music. Gypo John was on the door and he got very friendly with one of the dancers in the toilet. Guess he didn't know it was being filmed but he comes good in the end and makes a dude do a promo for the Gapper. Simple Simon mixed some of the records he's just got out of storage but the smell of stale urine quickly brought that idea to an end and the Speedwell Old Boys put their shirts back on. Enjoy the video...


MysteryBarfly can tell you that Mercedes Mick was a little taken by all the dancing and drinking. He was collected by his lovely wife, Rachel, who had to man handle him into the back of their car, clutching a bottle of cider that he refused to put down. As they neared their home Mercedes unexpectedly said... “I do love you”. A bewildered Rachel asked him... “Is that you or the beer talking?” to which he replied... “It's me, talking to the beer”. There's a glimmer of hope that the girls will be back soon.


Moving on, reluctantly...






One cannot mention the Speedwell and dancing without mentioning the name Francis. Dancing and Francis go together like Big Dave and hand-gliding, Tree Top Ted and soap or Burgin and jogging. Her dancing was once described as indescribable, until now. Seen her Follower profile ?

MysteryBarfly overheard Prof. Mike Patterson's attempt to describe it medically... “It's as if she's gone out wearing a dress but without any knickers on. She's been to the toilet to pass urine and discovered a complete absence of tissues”.


Watch this music video, using the word music in it's broadest sense, and in particular the woman in the doorway and you'll see what he means. It's as near a description as possible, well done Mike.



Moving on, penultimately...






The Quiz...


Biggest entry ever for last month's quiz with correct answers flying in from all over the globe but none quicker than Leather Alan. He wins the 8 pints and you can be certain that he'll share them with his pals. Followers who check their emails on a Friday morning have the advantage of getting in fast with their answers.


What was the correct answer? No Norman... it wasn't Canary Wharf. It was of course Centre Point at the end of Oxford Street. The panoramic photo is part of a wonderful collection found
on new.


MysteryBarfly will tell you that, ironically, Leather Alan appears in one of their photos taken in Kashgar, China. It's just over the border with Pakistan and Afghanistan and not even the Chinese go there. He had a factory there that was turning out leather coats that cost him 55p to make. He recalls the photo being taken and it brings back terrible memories because he was ill with diarrhoea, so ill that a nurse had to look after him. She's on the photo and Leather is at the back of the room, just behind her to the left, sat on a potty. But worse than all the pain and smell was that he had to refrain from wiping his face for 10 minutes for the photo to be taken.



So what about this month's quiz... the first person to email or contact Gapper with the name of the grand building with the pillars and clock wins 8 pints of wonderful real ale and Janis... use your mouse to make the photo move around.









Gapper is evolving. It's getting a brand new make-over and the format is changing... slightly. For some reason a few of the Gapper Followers think they want to try their hand at editing an edition of the Gapper. A bit like a Sun reader being given charge of the Sun newspaper for the day. Well you've now got the chance.


You will be editorially restricted to the format of an article of interest, your rant, your good cause, local gossip, local real ale news and a quiz but can introduce new subjects by agreement. You will have access to the Gapper's ideas archive.


Please continue to forward any emails that give you a laugh and if being a full blown editor doesn't float your boat then also consider creating a full article that can be accredited to yourself.



Bye for now...


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Date - 01/July/2011


A monthly publication of humour and satire. Some articles are true and some are made up.



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